Squeegee Casil and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
by IcePrincess777
Summary: Harry Potter rules, but it cannot escape being parodied! Stuff to whoever can identify the spoof with the water at the end of the chapter. Chapter 7 is up as the first update in a while!
1. The Boy Who Lived, Poor Squeegee

The Harry Potter book series is one of the best that exist! But they still couldn't escape my wrath of parodies!!! I don't own any of these characters. Or Harry Potter. Or Pop Tarts. What if Squee was Harry? Hmmm.. And with this idea, I present to you.  
  
  
  
Squeegee Casil and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Poor Squeegee  
  
  
  
  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Creeper of house 779 were stuck in dead end jobs, absolutely hated each other and unawaringly lived next door to a serial killer. In other words, they were perfectly normal. Mr. Creeper was a lowly computer data processor at Hellhole High, a manufacturer of cat food, I mean cafeteria food and defective minds. He is the one responsible for creating a schedule where it's impossible to take art, sports and band at the same time. His address is in the beginning of this chapter if any of you want to kill him. He was scrawny and overworked with bags under his eyes that would be visible if he ever took his glasses off. Mrs. Creeper had no visible face, which was very useful when she was peering over the neighbors' fence. She seemed to know the exact millisecond that the person in 781 watered their plants, but somehow failed to see that a homicidal maniac lived on the other side of her house in 777. The Creepers had everything they didn't want. Including a secret that with their bad luck, someone was sure to discover soon.  
  
Their secret was that, at midnight, when the moon is full, their eyes turn red and they sprout green hair on their arms and they become Nick zombies!!!! Oops, wrong secret!  
  
Their OTHER secret was that Mrs. Creeper's sister and her husband were, well, lizards. I mean wizards! I know that wasn't supposed to be revealed until a later chapter, but this IS a parody! The Casils had a little boy, but since he was probably just like his parents in his weirdness, the Creepers avoided him as well. Yes people, they were afraid of a one year old!  
  
When they woke up on that November 1, 1981, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and an alien ship had crushed house 781, put pipes through the walls of nearby houses and really threw off the décor of the street by setting up lawn gnomes with eye lazers. It was a perfectly normal day.  
  
Mr. Creeper skirted his way around the tubes protruding from the walls and bitch-slapped his wife goodbye on his way out the door to go to work. Mrs. Creeper could be heard sniffling and saying "That's so sweet! I hate you too!" as Mr. Creeper got in his car and drove to work. He saw a dark dragon sitting on the fence of 781, dodging the lazer-eyed lawn gnomes while reading a newspaper. Totally ordinary looking, he thought as he asked the dragon what the horoscope for Gemini was.  
  
It replied " You and three of your relatives will be DOOMED! Now leave me be to fight the lawn gnomes!" What a friendly dragon!, Mr. Creeper thought to himself as he arrived at work five minutes later.  
  
That morning, Mr. Creeper expelled five honors students and then got an award for his good judgment. Boring! Then he stared at the ceiling for the rest of his adventurous morning. At lunch, he noticed the students whose minds were being demented were dressed very normally today. They were all wearing black with nametags reading " Hello, my name is _________ and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" They were also doing boring things with wooden sticks like shooting sparks at each other and giving each other wedgies. Mr. Creeper's questions about why the students were dressed so plainly were about to be answered as he listened to a conversation between two students whose nametags read "Jhonen" and "Roman". Jhonen was tall and thin with glasses and bright red hair and Romans arms were completely covered with tattoos.  
  
"So did you hear about what happened with little Squeegee Casil and Eric the Vampire?" Jhonen asked his ink covered companion.  
  
"Who the heck hasn't besides that idiot behind us who's eavesdropping in on our conversation?" Roman replied.  
  
"I don't know. And the best part is, I brought in a camera to get a snapshot on Mr. Creeper's face when he finds out that he has to adopt Squeegee!" , he said mischievously as he pulled out a camera, then turned around and took a picture of Mr. Creeper's bored looking face.  
  
"Hey! That wasn't fun!", he yelled before passing out unexpectedly.  
  
"Uh, maybe I shouldn't have let him have so much sugar earlier.", Roman remarked to no one in particular, completely ignoring his friend's unconscious body on the floor to finish his Pop Tart.  
  
When the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, Mr. Creeper blended into the mass of students leaving the cafeteria, being careful to step all over the lizard/wizard on the floor on his way out. But then he jumped in his car and drove home. After all of the students had cleared out of the cafeteria, Jhonen is still lying face down on the floor with one last word.  
  
  
  
"Owwww."  
  
Three dead animals later, Mr. Creeper was back at his house.  
  
"Violet! The lizards, I mean wizards at Hellhole High said that we had to adopt Squeegee Casil, your sister's son!"  
  
"Then let's just do something as insignificant as sleeping in our last hours of freedom.", Violet Creeper replied, completely unphased by the information .  
  
"Okay, but first I have to watch the news.", Mr. Creeper said as he turned on the TV. The news anchor with a plastic surgery created smile then started the show.  
  
"Good evening and welcome to the 5:00 news at 7:30! Here are a few of tonight's headlines! First, a meteor shower originating from an insane asylum patient in a witch costume with a stick caused a forest fire spreading across Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee. Also, flying teddy bears have been sighted all throughout the day in great numbers, wearing letters attached to their legs. The insane guy said that's how lizards, I mean wizards send mail. He also said that the meteor shower was to celebrate the end of Eric the Vampire." Mr. Creeper turned off the TV and crawled into bed with his wife who was already asleep.  
  
Outside on the street, the dragon was still on 781's fence, but the lawn gnomes were no longer irritating it. A few feet away from it, a man in a light labcoat which covered most of his face appeared.  
  
"Hello, Ms. Bitters!" He said to the dragon. "Lovely night out!" But what he was talking to was no longer a dragon. In its place, stood an old woman.  
  
"Good evening, Professor Membrane. So where is Squeegee Casil? Is this where we have to bring him since Eric killed his parents?"  
  
"Yes, here with the people who hate him most. Now where is It?" As Prof. Membrane finished speaking, a rumbling noise was heard as a flying motorcycle descended from the sky with two people on it. The first was small wit a mask and bloody meat cleaver. The second was presumably Squeegee, wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. It then gave Squee to Prof. Membrane.  
  
"Here's Squee, Professor Membrane. He fell asleep when we were flying through a flock of ducks. Damn, those things leave a mess when you run into them!"  
  
"Thank you, It. Now where did you get the motorcycle?"  
  
"I stole, I mean borrowed it from Tenna. Are you really going to dump Squee off in this Snuggle heckhole?"  
  
"Professor Membrane, really! I've watched these Snuggles all day! They will hate Squee and make him miserable for all his years with them! Is this really where he is going?" "Do you have any other suggestions?"  
  
"We could just give Squee to his godmother. She was supposed to have him should something like this happen anyway."  
  
"No, I don't have time for that. I need to get back to work.", Prof. Membrane said as he placed Squeegee on the door with a note to the Creepers. On Squeegee's forehead, there was a scar that resembled a target. The three lizards, I mean WIZARDS!!! Left the street in their own magic aided ways as all across the country, people like them everywhere had drunken keg parties, raising their shot glasses to toast the Squeegee Casil, the boy who lived. Poor Squeegee.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: And so ends the first chapter. Jhonen, you rock but unfortunately, you never made enough main characters to fill all the necessary roles for this story. So I am going to fill those roles with fanfiction authors! Anyone who can spot Jhonen and Roman's not-so-hidden cameo gets to be one of the characters that haven't already been introduced, except Hermione and Ron. Either e-mail me at pyrple_punk77@hotmail.com or review with the following information.  
  
Name, what you look like, where the not-so-hidden-cameo occurred and what character you would like to be. You may not get exactly what you want, so please include a second choice too. And don't flame if you don't get what you want please! Well, g'night! 


	2. The Vanishing Grass

Okay, so far the ff author cast is this: Snape- noodletwin, Draco- IDesireIceSucky, Fred/George- Aldrea, Quirrell- Devilish Kurumi, Neville- RekiChan, Scabbers- Saje of the Extreme. I'm still accepting authors who want to be characters besides these and the ones that have already been introduced. Just tell me your name, appearance, where this chapter's not-so- hidden cameo occurred, what character you would prefer to be and anything else I might need to know. I don't own these characters or the song "Without Me". The only character I own is Tim the Stalker. *sniff* And he is so alone because I was too lazy to think of more original characters. Now, on with the second chapter!  
  
The Vanishing Grass  
  
  
  
  
  
Somewhere, at some time a farmer with missing teeth called to his wife, "Selma! This here grass is vanishing!" Under his lawn, there was a colony of grubs plotting to take over the world. No, this doesn't have anything to do with the story.  
  
Almost ten years after the Creepers had found Squeegee on their doorstep, not much had changed on Mulberry Street. Except that one night when Mr. Creeper ate a possessed doughnut and Satan appeared. Normally he would have taken Mr. Creeper straight to Hell, but since his plan to launch an army of mindless, untalented clones on the music industry (boy bands, Britney, Christina!) was going so well, Satan just made the Creepers take care of his son, Pepito for a while. To keep Satan happy, the Creepers always gave Pepito everything he wanted while making little Squeegee miserable. All he could do in self defense was turn them into frogs once he grew up, anyway. And the Creepers had always despised little Squeegee for something he didn't even do, those many years ago. They blamed him for a lot of things. They blamed him when the house was struck by lightning and then burned down and then when the remains were flooded and then when the flooded remains froze into a glacier and made an isolated ice age. Squeegee had no idea that he was a lizard, I mean wizard but it just HAD to be his fault and not that of Satan's son who knew of his powers all too well. At least that was the way the Creepers' minds worked. Has anyone noticed that this entire chapter has been focused on making child abuse seem funny? Well, except for the part about the farmer and his grass and the grub who is the reincarnation of Napoleon. No one noticed? Good! Anyway, Squeegee had been locked in his broom closet next to the drooling monkey's cage and under the stairs for the past six months. Pepito and the Creepers jumped on the stairs' creaky, unstable boards every morning to wake Squeegee up and in hopes that this would be the day that the stairs would finally give in and crush him. Of course, they completely ignored the fact that they would go down with the stairs, should that ever happen. But they had other methods of attempted murder planned.  
  
As sunlight crept in through the cracks in Squeegee's broom closet even though there were no windows anywhere near there, Mrs. Creeper stomped on the stairs above him. "You! Uh, whatever your name is! Wake up and make us breakfast!"  
  
She then locked the front door, let the drooling monkey loose and ran for cover. "Oh dear, must they always set that drooling monkey loose in the morning?", Squeegee thought to himself as he ran from the drooling monkey, into the kitchen. "Damnit! Why don't you just get eaten by that drooling monkey?!", Mr. Creeper said, greeting Squeegee. The floor and walls then shook violently, announcing the arrival of Pepito.  
  
"Good morning, Pepito! And happy birthday!", Mrs. Creeper said. He then went over to the pile of presents in the living room and surveyed them.  
  
"But there are only 135 presents here! There were 136 last year!", he shouted from the living room, very displeased at the difference in one out of over 100.  
  
"We'll buy you two more presents on the way to the zoo, okay?", Mr. Creeper pleaded, quite fearful of the flames of anger rising around Pepito.  
  
A knock at the door was heard. It was Pepito's friend, Tim the Stalker. Tim was obsessed with all things anime and stalked famous people. I don't know why a 16 year old would want to hang out with the 11 year old son of Satan, but he did. Tim is very odd, if you couldn't figure that out from the above paragraph. Or normal in this story.  
  
In the car on the way to the zoo, someone with a nametag that read "Hello, my name is Jhonen and I'm a lizard, I mean wizard" (Yes, the same one from ten years ago.) was riding a motorcycle. He was also laughing maniacally and waving at Squeegee. But he should have been paying closer attention to the road, which he still hadn't realized he was on the wrong side of. Somehow, squished motorcyclists don't look that good plastered to the front of trucks.  
  
"Stupid motorcyclists.", remarked Mr. Creeper.  
  
"I had a dream about a motorcycle once.", Squeegee said. "It was flying."  
  
"I had a dream too.", said Martin Luther King Jr., who somehow was reincarnated in the Creepers' car.(Happy MLK Day, everyone! ()  
  
"I thought you were dead?"  
  
"Oh yeah...", he said as he disappeared again.  
  
"MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!", Mr. Creeper yelled.  
  
"But Jhonen's motorcycle flew.", Tim said. "Right into the front of the truck!" As they pulled up to the zoo, Tim ran off somewhere, presumably to go stalk Jhonen again. That morning, Squeegee, Pepito and the Creepers went all through the zoo. After throwing someone with a nametag that read "Hello, my name is Roman and I'm a lizard, I mean wizard" in with the alligators, swimming with the sharks and letting the penguins loose in the monkey cage, Pepito was bored with the lack of possibilities for chaos in the reptile house.  
  
"Hey! Snake! Move or I will come down on you with all of Hell's wrath!", Pepito yelled threateningly at the sleeping snake. He tried to tie the snake in a knot, but his powers were worn out from the day's previous events. The snake waited until Pepito was gone to stare at a five year old while blinking its eyes rapidly causing the child to have a seizure. Wait, snakes don't have eyelids. Oh well, they do now. It then whispered something to Pepito.  
  
"Biiiitttte meeeeeeeee." But Squeegee seemed to be the only one that could hear. "Were you talking?", Squeegee asked the snake.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock.", the potty-mouthed snake replied.  
  
"I was just asking, you don't have to be so rude about it!"  
  
"Look mommy! That lizard is talking to the snake!", said the five year old who had just recovered from their seizure.  
  
"Out of the way Todd! I want to see the snake!", yelled Pepito as he pushed Squeegee onto the floor. But then something happened that he didn't expect. The glass in front of the snake's tank disappeared and the snake was sliding across the floor.  
  
"Thankssss, Squeaky." , it hissed to Squeegee before sliding out the door, right past the sleeping security guards.  
  
Ten minutes later, Squeegee was once again locked in his broom closet.  
  
"But I don't know how the glass disappeared!", he tried pleading with Mr. Creeper through the door.  
  
"Yeah right! You and your lizard, I mean wizard powers did that!", Mr. Creeper retorted. "And have a nice summer, you'll be in there for a while!"  
  
That night, Squeegee dreamed about a green light and a burning sensation on his forehead. The Creepers had always said that his parents died in a car crash and that's how Squeegee got his target shaped scar. Although it looked like they were trying not to laugh whenever they told him this. But they were compulsive liars, like everyone else he knew. He had no friends at school because all the kids laughed at his stories. Even the ones that couldn't read. Aw, shit. He's starting to sound like me! And that's not good! Meanwhile at a truck stop, the truck that Jhonen was still stuck to pulled into a rest stop. "Excuse me, but would you mind peeling me off this?", Jhonen asked the driver as he got out of the truck. As the driver went off to get a spatula, Tim the Stalker finally arrived. "Oh no, not you!"  
  
"Yes! Guess who's back! Back again! Stalker's back! Tell a friend! Jhonen pulled himself out of the truck's ventilator and ran away from his stalker who had absolutely no rapping ability.  
  
I've created a monster! Cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more, they want Shady, I'm chopped liver! Well if you want Shady this is what I'll give you! A little bit of me mixed with some hard liquor! So doctor can jump start my heart when I'm not cooperating! When I'm rocking the table while he's operating! Hey!................  
  
  
  
A/N: I knew all the words at one point, but my mind hasn't been working right lately. To anyone else whose friends dared them to be in this story, just spot Jhonen and Roman's not-so-hidden cameos and either send a review or an e-mail (pyrple_punk77@hotmail.com) with the information at the top of this chapter. Later! ( 


	3. The Letters From Someone

As usual, I own nothing. None of these characters, no, not even some of the plot. I am stealing Jhonen Vasquez's characters and J.K. Rowling's story! I don't own DDR or the haunted hotel. All I own is Tim the Stalker and his Freshmen Fan Club. But the people they are based on own themselves. And will kill me when they find out who I am.  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: The Letters From Someone  
  
  
  
  
  
One month later, Squeegee was finally let out of his broom closet. Summer vacation had already started and Pepito had burned most of his birthday presents in a large bonfire in the center of the living room. The good news was, the drooling monkey was returned to the animal shelter because they didn't want it to risk it having more smoke inhalation. The bad news was, the bonfire left a huge hole in the floor that went straight down to Hell. And Pepito's gang of friends, Tim the Stalker and his Freshmen Fan Club came over every day now to torment Squeegee. Tim often complained about his fan club stalking him while completely ignoring the irony that one of his favorite hobbies was stalking Jhonen. Tim isn't very bright, if you haven't figured that out by now.  
  
But there was some hope for Squeegee. In September, he would go to the living Hell known as middle school where he would receive daily swirlies from upperclassmen and would have to wear a uniform that looked curiously like an elephant suit. But it sure beat going to school with Pepito. He on the other hand was accepted at the School of Idiotic Control Under Punyheads. I.C.U.P for short. He had completed the fraternity-like initiation process the day after Squeegee was let out of his broom closet. It included throwing Tim the Stalker into the hellhole in the living room, but he was resurrected soon enough. (You might have to read 'Crazy! A Kinda Sorta True Story' to get this) Tim and his fan club already went to I.C.U.P. and gave new kids wedgies on the first day.  
  
But what Squeegee couldn't understand about his own Stonewall high is why a British school would be named after an American Civil War general.  
  
One day in July the Creepers took Pepito to get his school uniform which consisted of a spaghetti strapped shirt, a miniskirt, high heeled sandals (all of which were neon pink) and most of the boys wore blonde pigtails with the same color pink scrunches and carried around pom-poms that they shook in each others' faces when the teacher wasn't looking. This was supposed to teach them well, nothing. The shaking noise just kept the teachers in a half awake state(which is most common for visions of aliens to appear). Mrs. Creeper was literally crying a river when she saw Pepito in his uniform for the first time. Squeegee was going blue from trying not to laugh. The son of Satan dressed up as a cheerleader looks very odd to say the least. But the fun was over when Satan yelled up through the hellhole that the water was making the damned that liked rain happy. So Pepito took off his costume. For now at least.  
  
The next morning, Squeegee left his broom closet to find that there was a tub in the kitchen with gray rags swimming around with the aid of little flippers.  
  
"What's that?", Squeegee asked Mrs. Creeper who was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with her nonexistent face hidden behind a newspaper.  
  
"It's your uniform.", she replied bitterly.  
  
"Oh, I didn't know it had to be so wet."  
  
"*sigh* Yes, it has to be wet because you're going to be the school mascot. It's a snorkeling elephant." At this, Pepito laughed uncontrollably. That is, until the mail hot through the slot in the door and flew straight into his eye.  
  
"So who is this now conjunctivitis infected mail for?", he asked as he pulled the letters from his eye. "One for uh, Mr. Creeper and lots of fan mail for Squeegee. But this one has green ink on it!" Mr. Creeper snatched the letter out of his hand before he could further examine it. As he read it his face turned purple. Then chartreuse. Then blue with pink polka dots. And green stripes. And red stars, orange lines and pretty much every color and pattern imaginable. Or it would have if he had a visible face.  
  
"Violet!"  
  
"Aw, shit. Well you knew he had to get one of those sooner or later."  
  
"He's not going!", Mr. Creeper screamed as he lit the letter on fire with his cigar. Squeegee was very curious by now.  
  
"What was in that letter?"  
  
"You just got a ton of fan mail. Why do you have to know what that one said?" "Those other letters were from very scary people who want to do very scary things!" "But this letter was from even scarier people! People like those two weirdos at the mall last year."  
  
*flashback to last year*  
  
Squeegee recalls his memory to about one year before. He was at the mall and the Creepers tried to lose him again. He was watching two people on a Dance Dance Revolution set on maniac mode. Okay, it was just standard. Stop staring at meee!!! IT WAS LIGHT!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?! Good! :) They both had nametags reading "Hello, I'm Jhonen and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" and "Hello, I'm Roman and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!". They were approaching the end of "Orion" when Roman's dancer dropped from the screen, saying that they were exhausted.  
  
"Hey! I think he's dead!", Roman said to his friend before being sucked into the machine to replace the dead dancer. "Heeeeelp meeeee!", he said but Jhonen was too busy laughing maniacally to do anything.  
  
Then someone familiar came up behind him.  
  
"Hi Squeegee. Your parents left you again?"  
  
"Johnny? How did you know I was here?"  
  
"They've been doing this for years. And they were having a party that I didn't think you would want to miss."  
  
"They finally remembered my birthday?!", Squeegee said as his eyes lit up with joy. "I.don't think so. What's wrong with that lizard over there?", Johnny said looking at Jhonen who was still laughing at Roman. He was being forced into maniac mode by a big headed kid and a little green alien having a battle.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe some brain dead fanfiction author from the future is messing with the lizards in a not-so-hidden cameo of some sort because they couldn't think of another way to fit it in creatively." How did he know?!?!  
  
*Back to reality*  
  
"And those stupid lizard people ruined our 'We Finally Got Rid of Squeegee' party!" "But Johnny was the one who brought me home."  
  
"You and your imaginary friends. For the last time, our neighbors are not aliens or serial killers!"  
  
Squeegee leaves the room, dejected. A few minutes later Johnny enters and starts instant messaging someone on the computer.  
  
"Squeegee, stop dressing like your imaginary friend, the homicidal maniac and go to sleep!" Mr. Creeper would have been dead in two seconds if he wasn't Squeegee's so called father. And Johnny left his knives at home.  
  
Nny777(I have no idea if that's a real screen name!): Excuse me, Squeegee's parents are being a little difficult.  
  
Pyrplepunk77(meeee!!!): Despite what most fanfics say, killing them would not be a good idea.  
  
Nny777: Oh dear, something is screaming in my basement. I must go now.  
  
Pyrplepunk77: Aww. Bai!  
  
"But how do they know where Squeegee sleeps?", Mrs. Creeper said.  
  
"Knowing those folk, they're watching us right now! They've probably been doing it for years! Aww, shit. Maybe I shouldn't have picked my nose last week."  
  
"So maybe we should piss off the son of Satan and give Squeegee one of his 100 rooms." One hour later, Pepito had set the garage on fire, flooded the basement and put an exploding hamster in the microwave. But he still didn't have his gelatin room back. "But what will I jump on?!?!", he complained.  
  
"One of your five trampoline rooms or the pogo-stick room or the inflatable castle room.", Mrs. Creeper replied as she removed the exploded hamster guts from what was left of the microwave. "But what will we do about the letter?", she asked Mr. Creeper.  
  
"We'll just sit here like idiots and wait until the house is flooded with letters." "Great idea! Break out the snorkels!"  
  
The next morning, Mr. Creeper was in an unusually cheerful mood.  
  
"Did you steal some of my happy pills again?", Mrs. Creeper asked him, suspicious of the way he was acting.  
  
"No, no happy pills needed. It's Sunday! No mail today!", he said as he jumped up and down on the table in delight.  
  
"Bull. I still think you stole some of my happy pills. And they use flying teddy bears to deliver mail." The grin was still plastered on his nonexistent face.  
  
"How long does it take for these things to wear off?" Before Mrs. Creeper could answer, a flock of flying teddy bears big enough to block out the sun swooped down on the house and filled it with more letters. This time they had Squeegee's new bedroom on them. Despite being surrounded and almost suffocated by them, Squeegee couldn't even get a letter. No, that would be too beneficial to the plot moving forward. So Mr. Creeper suffered his happy pill withdrawal while driving everyone to someplace far, far away. He knew this was just the thing the lizards would be expecting. But then again, more plot delays are necessary. So they drove all day, occasionally stopping in a cat food factory, a court room with a serial killer on trial who escaped through the hole in the wall and finally in an old, abandoned looking hotel that looked like it came straight from a horror movie. And it did, but they just didn't know it yet.  
  
"This TV has no cable!", Pepito remarked, shocked as he turned it on. "All it says is "WARNING: YOU ARE IN A HIDEOUSLY OVERDONE 'PSYCHO' MOVIE PARODY"."  
  
"Whatever. I have to go wash off the black slime that's been oozing out of the drain. The owners said something about an ancient burial ground being under here.", Mrs. Creeper said as she went to go take a shower. While she was there, she heard the bathroom door open. Then she saw someone dressed as the grim reaper wielding a shining knife.  
  
"Oops, wrong parody!", they said. "But I do have something for you", they said as they held out another letter. "A flying teddy bear gave it to me on my way in here." The letter had updated Squeegee's location once again. Now it was 'the haunted hotel, England." (This does exist! Go to realhaunts.com in the England section to find it. Or maybe you shouldn't. I looked it up on another computer and the next day the sound stopped working. Just so you're warned. : ) ) The grim reaper impersonator then disappeared. Mrs. Creeper got dressed and handed Mr. Creeper the new letter.  
  
"See? I told you they would follow us!" Mr. Creeper then dragged everyone out the door and into the car again. They drove around for another entire day, only stopping at a boat rental shop near the shore. Mr. Creeper entered the shop and then came out with an insane grin on his face.  
  
"A crazy old man has agreed to lend us his boat so we can row out to a tiny rock in the middle of the ocean in a storm tonight.", Mr. Creeper said, pointing to a miniscule island in the sea with an unstable looking excuse for a shack that had just appeared. They all got in the boat and Mr. Creeper rowed out to the island with the unstable looking excuse for a shack. Squeegee slept on the cold floor that night. Pepito had been to mean to use his hellpowers to make a fire to keep them warm. But Pepito had the couch and a blanket. And the Creepers had a bed in another room. As if the cold wasn't bad enough, the wind, rain, lightning and thunder from the conveniently appearing storm made it impossible for squeegee to sleep. Pepito's watch said that it would be midnight in a few minutes. Squeegee knew that there was something important about July 31, but he couldn't remember what. 3 seconds. Obviously there is some phony suspense thing going on or there wouldn't be a countdown. 2 seconds. BOOM! The door opened and out of the shadows stepped someone. But you won't know until the next chapter! HA! (Hint: Not necessarily It!)  
  
  
  
  
  
Writing in paragraphs stinks, especially with something this long. It's going to turn into an entire 309 page book parody when I'm done! AAAHHHHH!!!!! I have been typing this for several hours. 3 down, 14 chapters to go. Ugghhh. So I am not going to parody the second book until I get at least 75 reviews for this story! HAHAHAH!!! I am eeevil! Flames will not be counted as a full review unless they contain constructive criticism. I'm still accepting authors who want to be characters. Just spot this chapter's not-so-hidden cameo and send a review or e-mail pyrple_punk77@hotmail.com with the information in the A/Ns in the previous two chapters. *falls asleep on keyboard* 


	4. Keeper of the Fleas

Guess who's back,(nah nah nah), back again (nah nah nah), no, I can't do that or I would be stealing Tim the Stalker's theme song! Yes, I know this took too long to write. Count on me to do something stupid like starting two major pieces of fanfiction at the same time! Oh, yeah. I am not Jhonen Vasquez or J.K. Rowling. Therefore I own none of this except for any original characters that appear in here that I forgot to mention. And you may have noticed that the not-so-hidden cameos have been getting less and less creative. It's not just you, they are. So this is the last chapter with them in it and February 28 is the last day I will accept new people in this fic. Sorry, but I just have trouble remembering everyone!  
Chapter 4: Keeper of the Fleas  
As Squeegee opened the door, he saw standing there everyone's two favorite lizards! I mean wizards, well besides Squeegee of course! They had their decade old nametags still! Although the ink was running because of the rain, Squeegee could still read "Jhonen" and "Roman" on them.  
  
"Aren't you the two lizards from the mall?"  
  
"Yes", said Roman. "I finally got out of that DDR, no thanks to him!", he shouted and then pointed to Jhonen who was having a laughing fit on the floor. "Shut up! It's not funny!"  
  
"Yes it is!!"  
  
"No it's not!"  
  
"Yes it is!!!!"  
  
"So why are you guys here?", asked a mildly confused Pepito.  
  
"The reason I got out of the DDR is one of the B-52s took my place. And the rest of them have been chasing us ever since! So we swam here, hoping that they wouldn't be insane enough to come out here to get us in this storm!", Roman said as a fish fell out of his sleeve.  
  
"If you guys are lizards, why didn't you just fly away on your broomsticks?", Squeegee asked. There was an embarrassed silence before Roman finally answered.  
  
"Because that would make too much sense." Then, another loud bang was heard at the door. It was the B-52s!  
  
"Hey little dude! Is this the love shack?"  
  
"Uh, no." Pepito couldn't resist being evil once again.  
  
"HEY!!! THOSE TWO LIZARDS WHO WERE RUNNING FROM YOU ARE HERE!!", he yelled as the Creepers came in, awakened by the noise.  
  
"Seriously, I haven't slept in two days and... is that the B-52s and those lizards from the mall? Pepito, how many times do I have to tell you?! No house parties until you're thirteen!!", Mr. Creeper said, rather irritated at having even more insanity than usual following him around. But then someone else entered the room! He was short, kind of gnome-like with a mask and a meat cleaver.  
  
"Hello, my name is It. I am Keeper of the Fleas at Pigspots. Happy Birthday Squeegee! I see the Creepers have finally thrown you a decent party!", It said as he surveyed the room, crowded with all of its occupants.  
  
"Wait, today's my birthday? Oh yeah... I knew there was something I was forgetting!" "You forgot your own birthday?"  
  
"Umm.. Yes." Waterproof crickets chirped and cobwebs grew on everyone in the room during the stunned silence that followed.  
  
"Oh dear, this is going to be more difficult than I thought. I'm going to tell you something you would already know if your head wasn't full of fluff." Then in a very low voice, It said something very disturbing and unexpected. "Squeegee, I am your father."  
  
"Really? Cause I hear Fluff-Head is hereditary."  
  
"No, no really! Cause then you would be all gnome-like and stuff. You're a lizard! I mean a wizard! DAMN!! Why can't anyone in this story pronounce that one, simple word right?!"  
  
"So that would explain the vanishing grass?"  
  
"No, that was grubs."  
  
"What about the glass?"  
  
"Okay, that was you."  
  
"But how can I do magic if I don't have a wand or know any spells?"  
  
"Just come with me and quit pointing out plot inconsistencies!", It said while getting very frustrated with Squeegee.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?!", yelled Mr. Creeper who was blocking the door. "Pigspots. Did you think we were going to the North Pole?"  
  
"Yeah, kind of. But he's not going to some stupid lizard school!"  
  
"Let me put it this way. If you don't let us by I'll turn Pepito into some hideous creature and tell Satan you did it" At this point, Jhonen and Roman snuck out a window, followed by the B-52s.  
  
"Or we could just go out the window like the other lizards are doing.", said Squeegee, wanting to prove that he wasn't a Fluff-Head. But It wasn't listening. He pointed his meat cleaver at Pepito and gave him an instant makeover! The Creepers panicked but Pepito remained relatively calm.  
  
"But it looks just like my I.C.U.P. uniform anyway.", he said, not very alarmed by the fact that he had been turned into Christina Aguilera. At least it was still something extremely evil. And the lack of hell powers was more than made up for by something much more sinister... that horribly screechy, synthesized voice.  
  
"Maybe we should go now", It said as Pepito sang his unbelievably off tune rendition of "Beautiful". At leas this kept Mr. Creeper occupied with searching the unstable shack for earplugs. A brilliant red sun was visible on the ocean's horizon as daylight's first warm rays crept over the waters, tinting the departing rain clouds a lovely shade of purple.  
  
"Feel like being really mean?", It asked Squeegee who was squinting from the light. "Yes, why?"  
  
"If we take this boat back to the mainland, Pepito and the Creepers won't be able to get off this island."  
  
"COOL!!!!", Squeegee said as he jumped in the boat. It tapped on it's old wooden side with his meat cleaver and it floated off toward the shore.  
  
"Can you not tell anyone that I used magic? I'm not really supposed to."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I was expelled in my third year at Pigspots for doing something scary that I didn't really do. But the rest of the story is in the third story. Most of the kids are too scared to even come around me now! Glad you're not like that." It appeared to be talking to himself because Squeegee was huddled under his seat, shivering in fear. "Uh, never mind. What matters is I didn't really do that scary thing that I did."  
  
"Oh, okay I guess I'll come up now.", Squeegee said, his voice shaking as he resumed his position on top of his seat.  
  
"Well that was easy. I could have just been lying about that!"  
  
"SQUEE!!", Squeegee screamed and then hid under his seat once again.  
  
"Well I wasn't." Squeegee got back up, only to go back under two seconds later as It faked him out yet again. This nonsense kept going on until they reached the shore. "And now that you're all scared and confused and stuff, I'm going to tell you what happened to your real parents! So anyway, about ten years ago, there was this lizard that was all evil and stuff, You- Know-What, and he really liked killing people. Heck, I don't even know why? But he came to your house on Halloween and killed your parents because he just felt like it for some odd reason. But for another reason just as mysterious, when he tried to kill you the curse backfired! So you ended up with that target scar and he ended up in a state as near dead as a vampire can get. Then Professor Membrane got too lazy to give you to some of your nicer relatives, so that's how you ended up with the Creepers."  
  
"No I don't.", Squeegee said with a look of confusion.  
  
"You don't know what?"  
  
"I don't know What!"  
  
"You don't know what?"  
  
"Yes, I don't know What!!"  
  
"How am I supposed to answer you if I don't know what it is that you don't know?!" "WHAT!!! WHO IS YOU-KNOW-WHAT?!?!"  
  
"Oh, You-Know-What! I can't tell you."  
  
"Huh?!"  
  
"I can't tell you because his name is so creepy! Like some creepy thing that's all creepy and stuff! It just doesn't feel right." Squeegee grabbed a loose piece of wood and held it like a baseball bat, the baseball being It's head.  
  
"Look, I have ten years of pent up anger in me, all wanting to come out right now! So we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way! Which is it?"  
  
"Alright, alright, I'll tell you! His name is Lord Eric the Vampire!" Squeegee lowered the plywood and placed it back in the boat, where its absence had caused a lot of water to leak in.  
  
"There. Now was that so hard?"  
  
"Yes." One of them should have been paying attention to where the boat was going, because it would have been so much nicer to arrive safely than crashing into the shore. Meanwhile in a not so far away place, in a dimly lit police interrogation style room, who people sit tied to chairs.  
  
"Nny, if I had known that this date included being taken hostage for something I never would have let Tenna talk me out of bringing my mace."  
  
"Tenna? Is that the girl who tied me up in my own basement?"  
  
"Yup. That's her."  
  
"Spooky told me to do it!", Tenna whined as she squeaked her little toy. "He said it was the best way to get you two back together!"  
  
"How is tying us up going to change our minds about anything?", Nny asked as he reached out with his foot for a knife that was on the floor. But Tenna took it before he could get there.  
  
"It's what I'm going to do next that will do it! And it's not so much your minds that will change."  
  
"What do you mean?", Devi asked suspiciously as an evil grin made its way across Tenna's face.  
  
"You are about to find out!"  
So what IS Tenna going to do? Hint: There is a reason that the roles of Ron and Hermione can't be filled yet! Have I confused you yet? Cool! But I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker next time, sorry for the delay. This is the last not-so-hidden cameo chapter, so look at the second chapter for the things you need to submit to be included and the deadline is February 28, 2003. Until then, VALENTINES DAY ROTS!!!! I just had to say that! :) 


	5. Flibbergibet Alley

Sorry about the delay for updating! If only teachers could grasp the concept that students have lives too. As much as I hate saying it, I only own the stuff that Jhonen Vasquez, J.K. Rowling and fanfiction authors who requested to be in this story don't. Wow! I don't own a lot! There is a list of everyone who made it in the story. But it's not until the end of the chapter! HAHA!! I laugh at your misery and stuff!  
Chapter 5: Flibbergibet Alley  
Squeegee and It had gotten out of their shipwrecked boat safely and were now walking through London. Well, sort of.  
  
"It? Why do we have to wear coconuts on our shoes?", Squeegee asked, getting annoyed at the horse hoof like clanking coming from their feet.  
  
"Because I had the sudden urge to do a parody of a parody, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".  
  
"Could you at least come up with your own jokes?"  
  
"No. And why do Snuggles have to look like little pink clones of one another?" "Why do lizards have to look like big black clones of one another?"  
  
"I asked you first!"  
  
"Never mind. Where are we going?"  
  
"In there.", It said as they stopped in front of an old building that looked like a giant cauldron, which was also emitting high-pitched squeaking noises. "The Squeaky Cauldron, also the entrance to Flibbergibet Alley." All of the Snuggles walking down the street didn't even seem to notice its existence. "Uh oh, looks like your fan club knows you're here." As It and Squeegee stepped into the dark, cold, damp and dungeon like bar, an odd assortment of people jumped out from their hiding places underneath chairs and tables. Confetti rained down from the ceiling as they yelled "Happy birthday Squeegee!!!"  
  
"Thank you!", he squealed. "But it's not my birthday!" It nudged him, trying to contain a fit of giggles. "Oh wait.. It is!" His fans chuckled nervously with shifting glances before introducing themselves to their insane idol.  
  
"Hi Squeegee! I'm Mentandai Kudo KID and AAAGGH!!" They were yanked out of line by another impatient fan before they could finish their sentence. (Not so hidden cameo! But of another kind. Sort of happy now?) Next in line were the two OTHER not-so-hidden cameos, Jhonen and Roman! I know I said they wouldn't be in the story anymore. I LIIIEED!!! Just not in every chapter.  
  
"WHAT?! YOU SAID WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE IN THIS PIECE OF CRAP YOU CALL A STORY ANYMORE!!!", they shouted in unison. "JINX!" And now through the magic that is authory powers, I will make it so that no one frees them from it for a looooooooooonnngggg time! XD  
  
Next was a girl with blue eyes, glasses, long brown hair and a second head covered in a big hat attached to her shoulder.  
  
"Oh Squeegee! This is professor Kurumi, your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Squeegee's target shaped scar glowed and he said "Oww! My spidey sense is tingling! And it says you're eeevil!"  
  
"N-no! I'm not e-evil! I'm just possessed by You-Know-What! WHEEEE!!!" She then got up on the table, jumped up and down in buckets of mud disguised as cafeteria food and yelled "CHEESE IS TASTY!!!" before setting her muddy shoes on fire and running into the wall.  
  
"Professor Kurumi is a little..wacky in the head. Or heads. She's been like that ever since she went to hunt vampires in the Pink Forest. She ran into some undead preps that just got out of a Shitney Spears concert and has never been the same since.", It said as he tapped on five bricks arranged in a smiley face pattern on the wall.  
  
"Hey gnome! What's the password?!", the wall shouted.  
  
"Flibbergibet." At It's command, the wall opened to reveal a narrow, seemingly endless street lined with shops with every imaginable item for sale and every imaginable thing walking in between them.  
  
"It? Isn't it kind of stupid to have the password to Flibbergibet Alley be flibbergibet?", Squeegee asked while hiding behind It from all of the scary looking lizards.  
  
"That's the whole point! It's so stupid that no one would guess it!"  
  
"You just called yourself stupid! And why are you talking about yourself in the third person?"  
  
"Nooo. I meant the concept was stupid. And he's not talking about himself in the third person." Right behind them tow sinister figures walked through another opening in the wall. Wait, how did Tim and Pepito get in here?  
  
"Wow! That was easy!", Tim said surprised.  
  
"Who makes the password to Flibbergibet Alley flibbergibet?!", Pepito said while setting the back of some anonymous lizard's robes on fire.  
  
"God these lizards are stupid! Now let's set some anonymous lizard's robes on fire!" "Already did that." The anonymous lizard had finally felt the flaming trail creeping up their back and was now running around and screaming "Elmac's on fire! Elmac's on fire!" (I don't even own that! Killfrog.com does. Tim and the parodied part of the plot are my only friends. *sniff*)  
  
At the far end of Flibbergibet Alley It and Squeegee stood in front of a tall, dark and evil looking building with an oozing green pus sign on the front that read "Gringlorps Bank". It looked just like one of those haunted houses that are made completely out of cardboard and may collapse on you at any moment. Hospital stays just seem to put a damper on trick or treating. And it was July.  
  
"Well here we are. Gringlorps Lizard Bank."  
  
"Well duh. I can read the pus sign."  
  
"This from the kid who forgot his own birthday? And about the sign, if the pus falls on you, you turn into a preppy cheerleader!"  
  
"Squeeeeeeee!!!!"  
  
"You are by far the most gullible kid I've ever met."  
  
Inside the band they saw that there were little Barney fans running around.  
  
"Don't mind the toddlers. They run this place and are very effective for scaring off thieves! They also scare off everyone else, but that's another story." They walked up to a five year old in a dinosaur suit.  
  
"Hiya mister! What do you want?"  
  
"Squeegee Casil needs to get his stuff from vault 333 and I need to get the You-Know-What from vault 666."  
  
"You-Know-What is in vault 666?! MOMMY!!!!"  
  
"NO! I meant the..thing."  
  
"But The Thing and You-Know-What are played by the same character."  
  
"GAAAAHHH!!! THE SORCERER'S KIDNEY STONE!!! I WANT THE SORCERER'S KIDNEY STONE!!!!" By the time It finished yelling, all the toddlers in the bank were staring at him, eyes wide in fright. Gnome like things look scary when they get mad.  
  
"Well why didn't you just say so?", the five year old said as he took a key and a letter from It and got a cart to begin the long descent into the underground safes.  
  
"These carts go at very high speeds, so if you're prone to motion sickness please don't get sick on me." The cart sped down the tunnel with another one right behind them. That one had a washed up actor who chose the wrong time to do his "king of the world" scene. On the plus side, that's one less for Shitney fans to obsess over even though he's so much older than them that it isn't even funny.  
  
"Here we are, vault 333. And sir? Could you please stop puking on me?", he said to It who had just gotten sick all over his dinosaur suit. Squeegee had an out of character moment and blurted out several explicitives when he saw all the gold, silver and bronze in his safe. He took out enough to buy his school supplies, then got back in the cart to go get the You-Know-What. No, not THAT You-Know-What, he comes in later. The equivalent of three barf bags later, they arrived at vault 666.  
  
"What's the You-Know-What in the vault?", Squeegee asked It.  
  
"I just screamed it a few minutes ago. You should get checked for early onset of Alzheimer's when we get to Pigspots or something! That HAS to be some kind of a record! I'll probably die and stuff if I tell you again. Plus I'll puke if I talk any more. Wow, look at the vault! They forgot to put a keyhole in!"  
  
"Now you can see why I'm all special and stuff.", the little kid ranted. "This vault only opens when Gringlorps toddlers or possibly fanficiton authors possessed by dark vampire lords touch it. Anyone else gets sucked in and rots there for years and years and years until they have buggies in their eye sockets, eating what's left of their brains!"  
  
"PLEASE SHUT UP!!!! It's bad enough that I have motion sickness! Do you really have to make it worse?!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How did I know you would say that?" The toddler put his gloved green hand on the door as it opened to reveal nothing but a little softly glowing bag. It went into the vault to retrieve it and saw what looked like a two headed shadow in the corner. But then again, he was sick and probably seeing things. Or this was some form of really lame foreshadowing. It got the bag and got back in the cart so they could make their way back out of the tunnel and back to Flibbergibet Alley to buy the rest of Squeegee's school supplies. As for the two headed shadow, the first part of the security on the cell had worked perfectly a few hours before. The bad news was, it was equally as easy to get out of the vault. The toddler had left the door open.  
  
First they stopped in Madam Misfit's House of Conformity for Squeegee's uniform. Madam Misfit looked oddly like an anonymous lizard from the Squeaky Cauldron. "So you're from Pigspots?", she asked Squeegee.  
  
"No, you think?", said a girl in the corner who looked about Squeegee's age. She had short green hair, thick black glasses and baggy clothes. "Allow me to introduce myself! I am Moonie and I'm filthy stinking rich! Also I hate Snuggles and anyone in any way associated with them! So what's your name?"  
  
"I'm Squeegee. You don't smell bad. And if you don't like Snuggles, then you must not have very many friends."  
  
"Yes I do! They all just want to ride my broomsticks, but the also do my eeevil bidding! (Preventive statement for those of you who took that in a suggestive way: YOU'RE SIIIIIIICK!!!! AND THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL!!! Thank you. :) ) So do you know what house you'll be in?"  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"I guess it's just one of those mysterious mysteries. No one really knows until they get to Pigspots. But I want to be in Slytherin with all of the future You-Know-Whats!"  
  
A big headed boy burst through the door and yelled "What about Mysterious Mysteries?!"  
  
"Snuggle! How did you get in here?!"  
  
"You Snuggles are really stupid to make the password to Flibbergibet Alley 'flibbergibet'!"  
  
"*gasp* The fucking password!" Moonie grabbed a broomstick thrown by Tim, who had somehow found his way to the store, taped Dib to it, then made him fly out the window and over the rooftops, back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys! "Now fly like Wilma! Be free little poptart!!!"  
  
When It returned, he brought with him a birthday present for Squeegee. It was a flying teddy bear!  
  
"So your name is Shmee? But why do you want me to set It on fire? It is being nice." "Damnit! That's the last time I buy from the 'No refunds or exchanges' section! But at least he can carry your mail. Or he would if you had any friends to send it to." And now for the wand. I guess that store is also run by the anonymous lizard.  
  
"HI! I run this place and I sell wands! Like you didn't know that already. I remember every wand I've ever made! Well, except that one over there. And this one here. Wow! I don't even know if that one's mine! Anyway, try this wand." In a completely anticlimactic act, the author of this poor excuse for a story decided to make this the 'One Wand'.  
  
Meanwhile in MiddleEarth.  
  
"Where is the One Wand?! And can it be used for the destruction of all MiddleEarth?! Tell meeeeee!!" Zim? What are you doing in this story? And why are you dressed up like that Sauramon lizard? Hehe.that sounds like a Pokemon! Wrong story! "Oh. I'll just get back to dooming the ringbearer then."  
  
"Ah HA! Just what I expected! Your wand is made with a feather from the same bird that has another feather in You-Know-What's wand! How predictably ironic!"  
  
"Normally I would act all bug eyed and stuff, but I'm starting to get used to this idocy." "Yaaayyy!!!"  
  
With everything on his list, Squeegee had one piece of paper yet to look at. It was a train ticket for September 1st, platform 77 1/7. See you in the fall, Squeegee!  
A/N: And here it is! The long awaited list of who made it into the story!  
  
Noodletwin, IDesireIceSucky, Aldrea, Saje of the Extreme, Devilish Kurumi, RekiChan, Squeebix, Evil-Junini, verycheesey, Rachel Wiesserman, Kimi the Kenlei, Silverflashpup, Mentaintei Kudo KID, Anne Gwish, Queen Kaylene and LittleMaggie! The exact characters will show up as the story progresses. 


	6. Platform 77 17

Sorry about the lack of updates, I'll provide an explanation as to my delay in finishing this story at the end of the chapter. And I still don't own any of the characters that anyone else owns...which is a lot.  
  
Chapter 6: Platform 77 1/7  
  
Needless to say, Squeegee was miserable back with the Creepers. True, it wasn't as bad as when the drooling monkey was there, but they acted like he wasn't there. In other words nothing changed. Squeegee just sat in his room all day, talking to Shmee. This got boring after a while , what with Shmee always telling him to set things on fire. Did I mention Shmee is a girl in this story? Don't ask me how Squeegee knew, he just knew. "Mr. Creeper? Can you drive me to Queen's Pentagram tomorrow? I have to go to Pigspots from there."  
  
"And why? Hic should I do that? Can't you just take a broomstick or something? And do I even want you to go?"  
  
"If you don't drive me I could magically make you sober enough to actually know what Mrs. Creeper looks like!"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!"  
  
"Yay! I get a ride!"  
  
3 AM the next morning, Squeegee woke up and was too hyper to go back to sleep. Somebody give that kid some medicine! So anyway, when the car got to Queen's Pentagram, the Creepers threw Squeegee and his stuff out of the car waaayy up in the air so he could land on the other side of a brick wall in front of the Pigspots Express. All of the Snuggles there saw him, but the MIB came with their little flashy things and erased all of their pitiful memories. It's not like they needed to remember how to tie their shoes. So Squeegee got on the train and went to the back cart, the only one that wasn't taken up by lizards doing head explody with their wands. Then something REALLY weird happened.  
  
"Hi is this cart..Squeegee?"  
  
"Nny? What are you doing here? And why are you so short?"  
  
"Devi's insane friend and her creepy doll made us into eleven year olds because it's her twisted way of getting us back together."  
  
"So you're going to be in my house thing?"  
  
"I don't know, but the plot has been fairly predictable so far."  
  
" Yeah, and once we get there we'll probably be confronted by some random lizard who will hit us on the head with inflated mallets."  
  
"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprized." Then someone Squeegee didn't recognize, but Nny seemed to know came in.  
  
"Some kid lost his pet earthworm and is making me look for it and..GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"  
  
"Hello Devi."  
  
"Nny, who's that?"  
  
"Devi."  
  
"And who's Devi?"  
  
"Little Squee thing...run while you still can! Nny will murder you and feed your insides to his wall!"  
  
"Why are you still here? I thought you didn't want to be near me."  
  
"Please say this isn't some sick insurrection of Ron/Hermione romance!", Squeegee pleaded as he sat in a frightened heap under his seat.  
  
"I have my ways of getting revenge on the author if it is.", Nny said mischeviously. Devi managed to back out of the room before anyone noticed. Okay, no sickening Ron/Hermione stuff..unless I have reason to. A rat nibbled on Squeegee's foot. "Oh, that's my pet rat that this really weird family that moved into my house gave me. They're nice I guess. I just hope they don't find what's in the basement." From miles and miles away, a blood curdling scream was heard. "Well, that answers that. One of my new sisters gave me a spell to turn him green.!" Saje tried to run for his tiny little life, but couldn't seem to grasp the concept that he was still in his cage. "Slimy frog and Irken spleen, turn this fanfic author green!" Nny's wand that suddenly appeared from somewhere shot out some sparks as Saje turned green and attempted to give Nny the finger. But it wasn't there so he just made a loser sign. It ended up being cute instead of insulting and made Nny and Squeegee laugh. Then the snack cart came around. Letting eleven to seventeen year olds have unlimited access to weapons of mass sugar? I have to go bomb them now! A/N: It seems that Bush has possessed my computer. takes little monkey out of the monitor Fly to Antarctica little monkey! Anyway, so all the kids on the train got sugar high and had a giant frat party until the train took a sharp turn and sent a cow flying through the window. Did they have cows? Oh well. And there was a huge maneating frog that jumped on Squeegee's head! Okay. That was a slight exaggeration. It was just a chocolate frog with a card with Professor Membrane on it.  
  
And now..why I haven't updated.  
  
It all started a month ago in a teachers' meeting in an underground lair in a dormant volcano.  
  
"Holy rabid kiwis! This fanfiction sucks!"  
  
"I agree. Let's give everyone so much homework that they won't have time to breathe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"You need to work on your evil laugh."  
  
"I know. Quit making fun of me!"  
  
And so I was only able to update fics that were either short or were somehow involved in that mountain of homework. Only four more weeks of school..four weeks too long. 


	7. The Sucking Hat

As you may have guessed after reading seven chapters with the same thing before them, I do not own these characters. There I said it. Happy now?  
  
Chapter 7: The Sucking Hat  
  
From the train, Squeegee, Nny, Devi and a bunch of other little lizards in identical clown suits were standing in front of a huge castle's door next to It.  
  
"How did we get here if we were just on the train?", Squeegee asked.  
  
"Maybe it has something to do with that." Devi pointed at a gaping white hole behind them labeled "PLOT HOLE". It was neat! Nny rolled his eyes, annoyed at a simple thing that had permanently labeled Devi as a nerd. At least until the story is over. It knocked on the door to the tune of "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" by Bowling for Soup. The would be students started moshing and one fell off a cliff, died and was reincarnated as a cat.  
  
Finally, someone answered the door. "Hello, I'm Professor Verycheesy and I'm head of Gryffyndor and I hope to see some of you in my house and come with me so you can be sorted by the Sucking Hat." In one breath, an exhausted and somewhat disheveled looking woman gave a crappy and confusing explanation of he houses at Pigspots. It chuckled as if he knew something that they did not as Verycheesy led them into an enormous hall with five tables. Four were filled with students and one had teachers sitting at it. In the front center was a stool with a very old looking hat on it.  
  
Professor Verycheesy spoke to the first years as Professor Noodletwin, who had greasy red hair and a Shark Mark on her arm tried to sneak in without anyone noticing her. So all of the students went to the front of the Great Hall so they could weed out the ones that would die of fear and nervousness if they were for some reason forced to sit in front of a crowd of students while a talking hat whispers things in their ears. Fortunately only one died. She choked on her own vomit while getting stage fright in the bathroom. Just thought you needed to know that.  
  
"Okay, Squeegee Casil is the only one anyone reading this really cares about, so let's just have him go first!", Professor Membrane announced, ignoring the fact that his son was in the incoming class. So Squee made his way up to the chair and put the grossly oversized hat on his head.  
  
"AAAHHH!! Bug eyes! It's going to get me!", the hat whispered.  
  
"Squee!"  
  
"Just kidding, just kidding. But I know where you would fit in really nicely. Slytherin has lots of rabid fangirls and fanboys that are too insecure to stand on their own and will follow anyone remotely famous. Even if you did kill their former idol."  
  
"But fangirls and fanboys are scary! And I don't want rabies!!"  
  
"Okay, just a test. I was required to say that stuff for the sake of drama. As the ten thousand or so spoilers have indicated, you're in Gryffyndor!!"  
  
The last word was said aloud to the entire hall, as was what Squeegee had said about Slytherins. This is going to be such a fun school year!  
  
"Johnny C."  
  
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"  
  
"Devi D."  
  
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"  
  
"Neville.."  
  
"Let's just make this quicker. ALL OF SQUEEGEE'S FRIENDS OR FUTURE FRIENDS ARE IN GRYFFYNDOR!!"  
  
"That works too. So who's next?"  
  
"Actually, let's just get this over with. All the greasy haired, rat faced, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named worshipping scumbags go to Slytherin. All the book worms who can quote Star Trek without the scripts go to Ravenclaw. Then everyone who doesn't fit in with any of those categories *coughloserscough* go to Hufflepuff!"  
  
The students separated themselves amongst the four tables in surprisingly equal numbers given the method of selection and commenced pigging out on food that magically appeared on their plates.  
  
"SQUEE!! There's stuff! It wasn't there but now it is!!"  
  
"How did you get into Gryffyndor in the first place?" The girl, also a first year who said that slapped herself for apparently no reason. "Don't you talk like that to him! It's their fault for freaking out the new students!"  
  
This drew several confused stares from the rest of the table's occupants. Why was this girl talking to and hitting herself? Was there a house for violent schizophrenics here? "Oh shut up, RekiChan." "You first, Anne."  
  
"So..what's your name?", Nny asked, trying to calm the confusion in his head to the level where it didn't lead to involuntary head explody.  
  
"RekiChan."  
  
"Then why were you just calling yourself Anne?"  
  
"I am Anne."  
  
"BUT YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS REKI CHAN TWO SECONDS AGO!!"  
  
"I am RekiChan. Just ignore Anne. She's my evil, psychotic other personality." "Wow. I never knew they could switch that fast."  
  
"Shut up RekiChan. Why do you always have to talk so much?" "Me? You always use your turn with the brain to go on these long, meandering soliloquies so I never get a chance to say anything!" "And what were you just doing now? Huh? Huh?!"  
  
The pressure in everyone's heads was building like an over shaken can of soda when all of a sudden.  
  
*Pop* *Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh* The head of a girl removed itself from her body and went flying straight through the window, up over the trees and lakes, finally landing in a little kid's sandbox somewhere in Japan.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!! SOME GIRL'S HEAD JUST LANDED IN MY SANDBOX!!!! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME WITH TOAST!!"  
  
"Um.I guess I'm somewhere near the Pacific Ocean.", the head said to itself as it crawled along on some type of cord either spinal or from the throat and waded into the ocean, hoping the currents at some point would bring it back to its body, now known as Headless Evil Junini.  
  
And so the feast finished and Professor Membrane made his start of term speech. Squeegee and Nny were too tired to listen to the whole thing, which in length when recited rivaled that of the Iliad (24 hours). But they did catch something about "beware the crappy foreshadowing as displayed in my mention of anyone who goes in the third floor corridor being eaten by a three headed dog named Fluffy, unless of course they lull him to sleep with music."  
  
Finally it was time to be led to their new dorms by Nny's cocky Prefect sort of brother. They had to hurry before Happy Noodle Peeves began his nightly rave as he roamed the halls entertaining himself with whatever the music and strobe lights in his head told him to do. This usually wasn't good for anyone he ran into, as those influences were eerily reminiscent of Shmee.  
  
"Flibbergibet", he stated almost proudly before the portrait of the morbidly obese lady in the pink dress. "Come on, hurry up before she eats you!" The first years climbed past the picture, which closed on Percy.  
  
"I'm not letting you in until you apologize for that."  
  
"Oh come on. It was just a joke necessary to reign in the underclassmen!"  
  
"Do you think that I have no feelings at all?"  
  
"You're a painting. Logic would say no."  
  
"How about I leave you out here for the night. That'll show you logic!" She left in a fury, possibly to get a sword from one of the other paintings or simply to escape the conversation.  
  
"*sigh* I'm SO reporting her when she gets back. And if she doesn't, well, how bad can it be out here? There's only ghosts and monsters and Professor Noodletwin roaming the halls."  
  
He drifted off into a light sleep around midnight, waking to find that the lady in the portrait was still gone, though he thought he caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of another picture.  
  
"That's odd. Why did I wake up now?"  
  
There was no reason other than a thumping sound, sort of like a base drum that created ripples in a glass of water that had recently appeared out of nowhere.  
  
*thump* *ripple*  
  
*thump* *ripple*  
  
*thump* *ripple*  
  
He noticed it got louder and more frequent with every sound, until it sped up to 140 beats per minute and made its source visible. Happy Noodle Peeves made his way down the hallway with a boombox blasting the Strong Bad Techno Song on his shoulder along with a baseball bat with which he was banging on the floor to mimic the sound of a bass drum. Percy pressed himself flat against the wall, hoping he wouldn't be seen. As it the custom in most fantasy stories, hope gives way to dismal failure. Happy Noodle Peeves stopped, turned to him, and with a malicious grin took out an arsenal of glowsticks whose purpose was not yet known, but couldn't have been good.  
  
Percy screamed in a final act of desperation before Happy Noodle Peeves was upon him. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!"  
  
Wow! I haven't updated since before summer vacation! Damn I'm lazy! I'm sorry for the delay and I will try to update with less time gaps between future chapters. Fanfiction.net won't let me upload links, so just go to homestarrunner.com to the Strong Bad Techno Song in downloads to get what is possibly the worst, yet funniest techno song ever made. 


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